Sunday, September 16, 2018

I broke up with Matt.

I broke up with Matt.



I thought I should at least explain to you guys what happened. I wanted to make a video about it, but frankly I've been too exhausted by the whole ordeal to put myself in front of a camera. So I will talk about it here.


I know a lot of you who have been following me on Facebook, YouTube, etc. knew of my relationship with Matt and that from the outside, it seemed to be going well.


WHAT HAPPENED?

The reason why I broke up with him was mostly due to incompatibility. I had been ignoring my gut feeling for a very long time (almost since the beginning of our five-year relationship) that something was "off."

Logically, there seemed to be a lot of benefits of us being together. We seemed to balance each other out with our strengths and weaknesses, mainly. I was happy to have someone to help me get my needs met (like cooking and helping me stick to a routine), and Matt was happy to have me nearby to keep him calm and balanced.

Both of us were lonely and needed someone there. But the fact is, we were complete opposites personality-wise and in terms of upbringing (though there are a few similarities: i.e. both aspies with a few shared interests in video games/movies/media).

I thought the "opposites attract" idea should apply here, so I tried to make it work. We have different cultures, socioeconomic backgrounds, politics, and world views. I also tend to be very verbally and emotionally expressive (I have a love for lavish words), while Matt prefers to keep to himself and state things simply without sugar-coating.

We both had put a lot of effort into the relationship, but seemed to disappoint each other far too often. At least, that's how it felt to me. I got along with Matt on the surface, but I needed something more. Neither of us felt validated by each other and kept miscommunicating and hurting each other somehow.

Matt still wanted to continue the relationship and get married, so that's why I was the one to break it off. I knew it just wasn't going to work in the long-term. Each of us deserve someone more compatible with who we are, and not to settle for less just so we won't be lonely. 

Needless to say, Matt is not happy with my decision and has been giving me a lot of trouble over it, so I've had to block him on all platforms. I tried to be as civil as possible--I had no ill feelings towards Matt and wanted to be considerate--and was hoping it could end smoothly... but that didn't happen. That's okay.

Please know that just because we didn't work out, doesn't mean aspie-aspie relationships are doomed to fail. Similar neurologies certainly help, but compatible personalities are even more important in a relationship. There are a ton of fish in the sea, and sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right one. I'm alright with that. I'm ready to move on and see what's next for me.



WHAT NOW?

I am certain that being stuck in a difficult relationship has contributed to my mental health decline and my refusal to work. I was afraid of everything and not feeling particularly encouraged to give working a try. But I think I'm ready to get a job now. I know I still have limitations and can't work full time, and that working will impact my SSI benefits, but not making my own money has affected my self-esteem, even though I've kept busy and productive all this time.

That being said, obviously my plans to move to Ohio are no longer. I'm staying in Illinois until my parents move next year, and I'll likely follow them since I'll need the support. I'm on good terms with them and have no problem with it.

As for the GoFundMe campaign I put up a while back, thank you guys so much for contributing, and I'm sorry if the outcome is disappointing. I will be closing the campaign as to not mislead anyone. The remaining money will go towards similar expenses as what's listed in the campaign--I know I'll need it more than ever since making money on my own is going to be very difficult.

I will be doing my very best to work and make money, though it may not be enough to keep me going if I decide to leave my parents' house. One month of my SSI benefits by itself is not even enough to cover one month's rent in Illinois (one big reason why I'm staying with my parents), let alone my student loans, medical expenses, and daily living expenses (i.e. food and toiletries) which is what it primarily pays for.

If this change (the breakup) is unacceptable to you who have contributed, and you want your money back, let me know. It'll be hard for me to do, but I want to respect the wishes of those who have been kind enough to donate in the first place, and can try to figure out how to issue a refund if it's requested.

Instead of another GoFundMe, I'm going to start up a Patreon account so you guys can support my work on The Life of an Aspie (blog, YouTube, & Facebook page) if you'd like to. Rewards for becoming a patron will include things like exclusive updates on my Asperger's book and fantasy novel, membership to my brainstorming team for posts and videos, your experiences with ASD/ND/mental health you want to share posted on the LOAA Facebook page, and your work/services (if you are on the spectrum, or if your work is related to ASD/Neurodiversity/Mental heath) advertised on my page every month.

I want to have this option open to my followers who like my content and want to help keep me alive so I can continue advocating for the autism community! I will make a separate blog post once I've got that Patreon set up.


^Actually I just got a job with UberEats, and I'm working on my novels so I won't be able to be as active online. It was a nice idea, though.

Here's to looking towards the future.



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